


open your eyes, then you will see it's just you and me

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Softness, discussions of coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 18:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16979442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: They've been planning a long time to come out, but now that the camera's set up and Dan's making them tea for the video, Phil allows his mind to wander.





	open your eyes, then you will see it's just you and me

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to only by imagine dragons and the first line of the chorus just hit me so here i am writing i guess   
> enjoy!

Phil’s come a long way since changing his hair. It was his first big step towards doing what _he_ wanted, screwing what everyone else would think and allowing himself to do something a real grown up would do. Something someone would do if they weren’t constantly in the limelight of four million judging eyes.

The response was unbelievable and the confidence boost was exhilarating. But this is different. This isn’t a haircut. There wouldn’t just be a couple of _I liked it before_ comments. And it wouldn’t be just him.

He’s sat on the AmazingPhil bed. The camera’s on, and Dan’s gone to make them both a cup of tea. He said he wanted to see if they could make it a more relaxed vibe. A “sit down and chat with Dan and Phil”, not unlike the mukbang video they had filmed all those months ago.

Phil doesn’t feel very relaxed. He’s staring at a spot in the carpet, watching it zone in and out as he focuses and unfocuses his eyes. His hands are shaking. His whole body is shaking, in fact. Normally he only feels it in his hands, as if he was cold. His whole body is quivering. He wants to tell himself it’s excitement. He and Dan have been keeping this quiet for ten years, and neither of them want to hide it any more. They’re loving their authenticity and they want to take the next step. Both of them. He’s ready. He’s just also really bloody scared.

He doesn’t think losing subscribers is a fear any more. Not now he’s met so many of them, experienced their support in hugs and artwork and the occasional teary eye. He trusts them with this information. He just doesn’t trust the rest of the world. Sometimes Youtube feels like a separate plane of existence, and he’ll only ever get so much judgement. It doesn’t even affect him. But the rest of the world is another matter entirely. It doesn’t happen much that he or Dan make the news. It’s normally because of a baking catastrophe. But he knows this will be big. People have been speculating that they were together before he and Dan even had a chance to talk about what they were to each other. It’s a big change and it’s a change he’s been ready to make for a very long time. He’s just not sure if he’s ready for the whole world to see it. He wishes he could keep it just for their viewers. But it doesn’t work like that.

His body is shaking so hard he’s struggling to stay sat up. He carefully moves himself so he can lie back with his head on the pillow of the bed he never sleeps in. His eyes are already closed and he’s focusing on slowing his breaths. He feels like a panic attack is approaching so he runs his hands along the duvet, curls his toes, feels the way his weight lies heavy on the bed, anything to ground himself.

When he hears soft, padded footsteps in the doorway his first instinct is to bolt up and look as if he’s fine. He doesn’t, though. He’s long since stopped trying to hide his anxiety from Dan. Dan can tell something’s wrong from the way Phil smiles, the way he plays with his fringe just a little more than usual, the way his voice goes softer and his eyes stay fixed low and away from Dan’s. So he stays as he is. He knows this is the most honest way he can display his feelings right now.

Phil hears the two mugs set down on the bedside table and feels the bed dip beside him. Fingertips ghost along his arm, up to his shoulder, onto his neck. They trace up over his lips and nose, taking their time to follow the same lines they’ve followed for years. When they reach his forehead, Phil allows himself to open his eyes and look anxiously up at Dan. He doesn’t know how to convey the way he feels. He doesn’t have any words. He hates that he wants to do this so much, but he can’t stop the quaking in his bones that tells him he should keep hiding what he and Dan have for themselves.

“You okay?” Dan asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Phil wordlessly shakes his head, wishing he could say otherwise. Dan lies down next to him and Phil curls himself into Dan’s side, closing his eyes and burying his face in the crook of Dan’s neck. He feels safe here. He’s always felt safe here.

“Do you still want to do this?”

“Yeah,” Phil whispers from his spot. He can feel Dan twitch slightly from the hot breath on his neck so he moves his head to Dan’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed. Maybe he can hold off reality a little while longer. “’M just scared.”

“That’s okay,” Dan replies. “Me too.”

“What are people gonna think?”

“Phil, you know they don’t care.”

“I don’t mean the viewers, Dan,” Phil says slowly. “I mean the rest of the world. I hate the idea of all eyes being on us, you know?”

Dan nods. “We can wait. We don’t have to do this right now.”

Phil shifts and looks up at Dan, hoping he doesn’t convey how broken he suddenly feels.

“I don’t want to wait. I love you and I want to be open about it.” He reaches a hand out to curl round Dan’s chest and sighs. “I wish I didn’t feel like this. I want to screw everyone else’s opinions. I hate how much I care about it.” A hand reaches over and brushes fingers through his quiff.

“I love how much you care about it.” Dan turns so he’s lying on his side and facing Phil. “You care about _me._ That means the world, Phil, it always has. I only want this if you want this.”

“Other people are so judging.”

“Look at me, Phil.” Phil does.

He could get lost in those warm, loving eyes. For a few seconds he lets himself.

“There’s only us here. There’s always gonna be me and you. Dan and Phil, against the world.” He nudges against Phil’s side and gets a small smile. “I don’t wanna pressure you. I want this to happen when we’re both ready.”

Phil reaches down and links his fingers through Dan’s. He takes a deep breath. The shaking isn’t gone, but when he looks down at his hands, he thinks about a life where he and Dan don’t have to hide themselves any more. A world that involves linking their pinky fingers as they walk down the street, kissing under streetlamps in the dark. It’s childish, and feels something like the honeymoon phase, but he and Dan missed out on that and he always regrets it. He feels a pang in his chest as he thinks about one day holding Dan’s hand in public and feeling cold metal there. The idea of wearing a gold wedding band and showing the world he’s Dan’s is intoxicating. It’s what he’s always wanted. A promise, something he could wear forever and never have to take off to hide what they are to each other.

Phil looks back up at Dan. He places a quick, loving peck to Dan’s lips and does his best to look brave. He’s almost starting to feel that way.

“I’m ready.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are always appreciated, come talk to me @ panlesters on tumblr


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